Recently I made a discovery. I discovered the daze of the middle aged. Talk to a middle aged person, my aged you can say. Many a times you will notice that the person’s eyes get that distant look. They are looking through you at something distant. In a younger person you may suspect drug use. In a middle aged I suspect it a combination, a cocktail of drugs that cause this glazed look. Drugs like boredom, seen-it-done-it syndrome, one has heard this a million times before syndrome, and so on. Also I suspect the person ability to be alert and engage in a conversation decays as one grows older.
Your reaction time is slower. I realised that my ability to smack a mosquito is weaker. I see the mosquito and by the time my hands get their instruction to react from my aging brain, it is too late.
A good conversationalist picks up various clues and subtle changes in expressions, consciously or otherwise. As such there are bad conersationalists who by nature are unable to pick up these “micro-expressions”. (I have been watching Lie To Me). I guess as you age you ability to do so decays and add boredom and such to the mix and the result is aged Bambi caught in the headlight look.
Then there are some who are only interested in getting their stories into the discussion. When another person tell a joke a good conversationalist takes time to enjoy it. Even if the joke is mediocre. One may even add a few question as follow up. This has to come natural otherwise you would look like an ambitious youth who has just read “how to get ahead in your career by being a good listener” or some such magazine nonsense. A good conv puts the warm spotlight on the person speaking and gives his his due credit. Makes her feel appreciated.
But a bad conv is looking for a gap in the conversation so he can say something like “something like that happened to me”. And then continue with his tale. I compare such people with the vehicle that is trying to merge into an expressway. You are breaking and speeding repeatedly, jerking all in the attempt to jut in. You ruin the rhythm of the conversation, slow and disturb the smooth traffic flow and even cause accidents.
Watch the eyes of such a person. It is funny. They are not listening. Their eyes dart sideways, and upways, and downways, looking for that gap in the conversation. They just want to get their word in.
Of course such behaviour is not the affliction of the middle aged or the aged. One notices in the youth and the young. I guess it is they way ones brain is wired.
One of my favorite books every is “First break all rules”. Terrible title. But great reading. It is about “talents” and how to manage people based on it. The follow up book on strengths is good too. Talks about how our brains are wired and how that determines what are strengths are.
Here is a thought experiment or you could try this if you don’t mind offending others. Imagine a crowded restaurant or office. Drop a plate or spoon on the floor. Watch how people react. Everyone reacts differently. Very differently. These reactions are natural and cannot be taught. These are your first instincts.
Some jump up to take charge. Some calmly continue eating. Some panic. Some want to find out if everyone is ok. And so on. Very different reactions. You react depending on how your brain has developed over the years.
In the same vein, one wonders if conversation can ever be taught. Or how to be a good conversationalist. I doubt it. One can surely improve by learning some techniques and practicing. I have seen books and articles on active listening and so on. But never been convinced that they can make much of a difference. Sometime nothing is more hilarious than watching someone who is bad at it, and has read one of these self-help book and is trying hard to practice what he read. I used to have some friends in the US who would read such books under the hope that it would help them climb the corporate cliff. These are some of the guys who learned Japanese since Japan was supposed to eclipse the US. I guess now they are learning Chinese.